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The legends speak of a third Duran…
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
The Joker was right
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Cheer up.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
How to woo a woman
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Just a bush.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.