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boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered