Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
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Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.