Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
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Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
huge if true: the moon
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
oppen heimer style lol
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.