Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

quarantine day 3

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!