Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Legend 🤣🤣

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out