your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
You Might Also Like
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me too