Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
You Might Also Like
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?