“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
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Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please