Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I am also baked goods
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss