your daddy is a what now?
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When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good