Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
That’s what I call a flat tire
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.