@AlanFelyk

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

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@TheAlexP

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

@ddsmidt

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

@DanMentos

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

@LoveNLunchmeat

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

@WiseguyPictures

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

@briancthayer

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

@GloriaFallon123

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

@Llamannihilated

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

@stanleybehrman

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..