Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

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The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.


The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.


*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading


My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.


“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance


I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.


When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.


Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school


I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..