@TheAlexP The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
@AlanFelyk Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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@TheAlexP 
@ddsmidt The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
@isaiah_bb This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
@DanMentos *chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
@LoveNLunchmeat My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
@WiseguyPictures “I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
@briancthayer I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
@GloriaFallon123 When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
@Llamannihilated Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
@stanleybehrman I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..