Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
oh my gosh!!
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My favorite female superhero
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”