your elf on the shelf was delicious
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The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Mouse
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.