Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

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Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.


[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!


How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face


She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm


“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad


ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible


I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.


1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.