@HaliPhacks

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

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@StevieKnip

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

@iinkedZombie

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@That_Damn_Duck

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

@MrEd_EVH

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

@DanMentos

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

@QwertyJones3

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

@qikipedia

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

@Sanbel11

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.