Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
You can call me tonight.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
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[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.
Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
“You’ve reached 911”
“This is not-”
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben shot real bad
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.