Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

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– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?


– Do you want some?


Shout out to my kids.



If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.


Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.


1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively


*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t


interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you


The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.


The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen