Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
i can’t wait that long
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Harsh but fair
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”