Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.


Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.


Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”


[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips


Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?


*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*


Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity


The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap


Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.