– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
– Do you want some?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen