@ilovepie84

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

@KateWouldHaveIt

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

@pizzajaynow

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

@cwhudson

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

@Thynebear

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

@UncleDuke1969

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

@Sal_Stevens

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

@Rrrocambolesco

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

@DevilryFun

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.