Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
You Might Also Like
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Does this dress make me look cat?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.