Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
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Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.