Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
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[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Ugh but profoundly
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping