Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?