“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.