“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”