Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”


When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?


A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.


“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.


People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.


*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear


I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”


I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.


Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”