Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.