Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

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Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”


Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”


Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.


[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker


Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.


Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.


I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.


Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.


Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.