Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
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Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.