@AnneHatfieldVO “The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
@JayElem00 Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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@AnneHatfieldVO 
@chuuew I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
@AndrewBloch A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
@AndyAsAdjective WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
@Home_Halfway I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
@Cheeseboy22 My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
@nigelgodwin How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
@elliothetherton [date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
@clemdytan My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
@MelvinofYork me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all