Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Me irl
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through