Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.


I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”


WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real


I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.


My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.


How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..



Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards


My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.


me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all