Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB