Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
You Might Also Like
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)