Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
you will never know the true number of layers
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Dishonest mechanic?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?