Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
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nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Worth remembering.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano