Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.