Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
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The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.