your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
You Might Also Like
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.