Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
#parenting
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
sin harder.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.