Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.


🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy


If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.


I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.


Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.


Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”


Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town


“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”