@MJMcKean Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
@darinlovesbacon Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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@MJMcKean 
@Kyle_Lippert EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
@KyleDodsonFunny Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
@Triballistix If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
@KonaSlater uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
@Stap_Jr I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
@CandyCrisis Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
@MrSandeepP Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
@EllaZee5 Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
@gojarbe “and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”