Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
You Might Also Like
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.