Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works