your honor my client chooses dare
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Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I like long walks away from everyone
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
why no one uses midhusbands
