your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
the greatest twitter interaction
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.