Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
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i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Twitter remains undefeated
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station