Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?