Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
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I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real