Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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Here’s a meme
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.