“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
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It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.