You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
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Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
so your X-rays look grea-
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.