Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

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You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you


Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again


in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score


I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.


Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on


[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities


Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell


[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP


“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”