Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.