Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
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Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
“i am a sweet baby”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.