Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
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me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.