Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
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Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
#Caturday
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.