Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

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If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.


Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.


Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party


Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.


My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.


Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!


Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one


My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.


-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again