@FatherWithTwins If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
@dance_blessed Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
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@FatherWithTwins 
@robdelaney Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
@bacon_gillepic Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
@Kadayo_Takamini It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
@GrahamKritzer Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
@SadieSkyNinja My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
@RobDenBleyker Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
@fillthevacuum Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
@junejuly12 My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
@greek_heanen -You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again