@dance_blessed

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

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@FatherWithTwins

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

@robdelaney

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

@bacon_gillepic

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

@GrahamKritzer

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

@SadieSkyNinja

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

@RobDenBleyker

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

@fillthevacuum

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

@junejuly12

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

@greek_heanen

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again