Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
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date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.