Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
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The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”